Tag:signing
Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:09 am
 

Vikings Sign Favre To The Usual .4 Year Contract

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.

SportsComedian.com | Become A Fan On Facebook | SC.com Videos On Youtube

Posted on: July 30, 2010 7:40 am
 

St. Louis Rams Sign Wrong Kind Of Pro Bowler

The St. Louis Rams today announced the signing of Gary "Turkey Machine" Stiltson to a 5 year contract worth an estimated $30 million dollars. But Stiltson, a retired bowler who never even played high school football, was a little confused by receiving a multi-million dollar contract in the mail.

"My father always told me, if you ever get a paper saying someone is going to pay you $30 million dollars, you sign it immediately," said Stiltson. "I always thought that was something crazy he said because of his wild schizophrenia, but sure enough it turned out to be sage advice."

Reporters struggled for most of the day to figure out why the Rams inked Stiltson to a deal out of the blue. But "Turkey Machine", known by that moniker because of his penchant to get three strikes in a row at the lanes, and also because he invented a machine that grinds up feathered turkeys whole, says he doesn't know the reason. He also says he's glad it happened, as there weren't as many people into live bird grinding as he had anticipated when manufacturing his machine.

The Rams wouldn't officially comment on the signing, but in an email recovered by an AP reporter, more was revealed.

From: Rams GM Billy Devaney
To: Coach Steve Spagnuolo

Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Damn it! Shit!

So, you know when you told me after we blew getting Terrell Owens, you just wanted me to sign any former Pro Bowler? Well, as you may have noticed from the team I gave you to work with last year, I kind of don't know what the hell I'm doing in this job.

So, I went onto Monster.com and typed in "Former Pro Bowler", and the first thing that popped up was this guy, Gary Stiltson. So, I may have immediately blown 1/6 of our payroll on him...Maybe...I can't quite figure out how the salary cap or payroll system work.

And then yesterday, I snuck into the GM office of the New England Patriots, to see how real GMing works, and I heard them say I apparently hired a guy who used to play on the PBA Tour. Oops! 

Who knew he wasn't the kind of pro bowler we're looking for?! His page on there so seemed like a football player! It said can't use computers, favorite movie is Field Of Dreams, and he only has a high school degree. That could only be a football great!

Well look, he's coming up here to training camp next week. Try not to kill him in the workouts, or we'll probably have a lawsuit on our hands. He's 54, so don't feel awkward coaching someone who is older than you. He's also going to bring something called a "Turkey Machine", and he said to have all our turkeys ready for it.

We do have turkeys, right? If not, I better get some, that seems like something a GM should always have available for the team...

-The B Man

PS, I'm not sure what your email address is Steve. I thought it was stevespagnuolo@rams.com, but I don't see that in my addressbook, so I'm just going to click this one that says sendtoallmediaoutlets@associatedpress.com. You must have changed it to this...

Steve Spagnuolo couldn't be reached for comment about his new player, but Stiltson said he is very happy to report to a real NFL training camp. He can't wait to tell the guys back at the bowling alley.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 26, 2010 8:04 am
 

NFL Warns Of SPAM Email Tricking You Into T.O.

Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:

Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ers of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the Cowboys of DALLAS, TEXAS.

Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.

Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Terrell Owens

Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.

"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."

Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:

 

  • An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
  • Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
  • You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
SportsComedian.com
Posted on: July 13, 2010 7:29 am
 

Entire City Of Cleveland To Leave Ohio For Miami

"LeBron, we're coming too," began a second letter from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Only hours after he sent a scathing personal letter to fans of the Cavs and media outlets, telling LeBron James how he let down the organization and his home, Gilbert announced the entire city has had a change of heart and will be relocating with him to Miami.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier! You are so right, this place is a stinking cesspool of filth! We don't want to be here either," he continued. "Today we had a big talk today in the center of the city, all 2,250,871 of us, and we agree that it's time we moved on. This land in Northern Ohio has been good to us, but we can do bigger and better things in South Florida. I hear they have women down there that wear bikinis all year long! And they have women who aren't from Ohio, and hence one would actually want to see in a bikini!"

The residents of Cleveland seem to be genuinely excited about the move. Many began packing up the skyscrapers today, to begin transporting them all the way down to Miami. They are looking forward to the beaches, the latin food, and the lack of state taxes. Highways from Ohio to Florida are expected to be jammed in the coming months, as they hope to all arrive before the season begins.

"We're brining everyone; poor people, rich people, all our stadiums, we're just gonna transplant it all down there, set it up right in the middle of town, and watch our new Miami Heat win multiple NBA championships with the best trio ever assembled in LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh."

It's unknown at this point what will happen to the Cavaliers, who now find themselves without a superstar, without an owner, without any fans, and even without a city to call home.

"Well, we'll probably just play on one of the many abandoned streets after they move all the buildings and infrastructure down the Miami," said new coach Byron Scott. "I'm gonna be honest...not so happy I took this job in retrospect... I currently have eight guys on my roster, and we're going to be playing in an empty field or street next year."

Miami has already put up two big billboards, one saying welcome to LeBron James, and the other saying welcome to the two million residents of Cleveland who will be joining them soon. The mayor of Miami said he believes that with the residents of Cleveland and Miami joining forces, they can put together a championship city.

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com