Tag:contract
Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:09 am
 

Vikings Sign Favre To The Usual .4 Year Contract

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.

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Posted on: July 30, 2010 7:40 am
 

St. Louis Rams Sign Wrong Kind Of Pro Bowler

The St. Louis Rams today announced the signing of Gary "Turkey Machine" Stiltson to a 5 year contract worth an estimated $30 million dollars. But Stiltson, a retired bowler who never even played high school football, was a little confused by receiving a multi-million dollar contract in the mail.

"My father always told me, if you ever get a paper saying someone is going to pay you $30 million dollars, you sign it immediately," said Stiltson. "I always thought that was something crazy he said because of his wild schizophrenia, but sure enough it turned out to be sage advice."

Reporters struggled for most of the day to figure out why the Rams inked Stiltson to a deal out of the blue. But "Turkey Machine", known by that moniker because of his penchant to get three strikes in a row at the lanes, and also because he invented a machine that grinds up feathered turkeys whole, says he doesn't know the reason. He also says he's glad it happened, as there weren't as many people into live bird grinding as he had anticipated when manufacturing his machine.

The Rams wouldn't officially comment on the signing, but in an email recovered by an AP reporter, more was revealed.

From: Rams GM Billy Devaney
To: Coach Steve Spagnuolo

Oh shit! Shit! Shit! Damn it! Shit!

So, you know when you told me after we blew getting Terrell Owens, you just wanted me to sign any former Pro Bowler? Well, as you may have noticed from the team I gave you to work with last year, I kind of don't know what the hell I'm doing in this job.

So, I went onto Monster.com and typed in "Former Pro Bowler", and the first thing that popped up was this guy, Gary Stiltson. So, I may have immediately blown 1/6 of our payroll on him...Maybe...I can't quite figure out how the salary cap or payroll system work.

And then yesterday, I snuck into the GM office of the New England Patriots, to see how real GMing works, and I heard them say I apparently hired a guy who used to play on the PBA Tour. Oops! 

Who knew he wasn't the kind of pro bowler we're looking for?! His page on there so seemed like a football player! It said can't use computers, favorite movie is Field Of Dreams, and he only has a high school degree. That could only be a football great!

Well look, he's coming up here to training camp next week. Try not to kill him in the workouts, or we'll probably have a lawsuit on our hands. He's 54, so don't feel awkward coaching someone who is older than you. He's also going to bring something called a "Turkey Machine", and he said to have all our turkeys ready for it.

We do have turkeys, right? If not, I better get some, that seems like something a GM should always have available for the team...

-The B Man

PS, I'm not sure what your email address is Steve. I thought it was stevespagnuolo@rams.com, but I don't see that in my addressbook, so I'm just going to click this one that says sendtoallmediaoutlets@associatedpress.com. You must have changed it to this...

Steve Spagnuolo couldn't be reached for comment about his new player, but Stiltson said he is very happy to report to a real NFL training camp. He can't wait to tell the guys back at the bowling alley.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 26, 2010 8:04 am
 

NFL Warns Of SPAM Email Tricking You Into T.O.

Lately no NFL off-season is complete without discussions surrounding Terrell Owens and which team is desperate enough to take the risk in signing him to a contract.

Last year the Buffalo Bills took a chance on the embattled receiver, and he responded with his lowest receptions, yards and touchdown numbers since his final season with the Philadelphia Eagles. This year, it appears that no NFL team may be stupid enough to add Owens to their roster.

However it appears Owens has refused to let his dream of destroying another franchise die and has taken matters into his own hands. TSC has received a copy of a mass e-mail that Owens has sent to all NFL owners and General Managers in hopes of suckering one of them into signing him:

Attention Dearest Kind NFL Owner/GM:

Greetings this fine day, I hope this correspondence finds you in good health and of cheer. My name is Mr. Terrell Owens and I write to confirm to you that I am a most excellent and efficient wide receiver who has had the honor of playing for many teams including the 49ers of SAN FRANCISCO, the EAGLES of PHILADELPHIA and the Cowboys of DALLAS, TEXAS.

Recently, I have the good fortune of recently inheriting a release from a well known organization located in the city of BUFFALO known as the BILLS, and though my talents are extremely valuable and sought after, thus far no team has come forward to claim me. Because of this, I am seeking the opportunity and pleasure of servicing your NFL team this season. In exchange for my running and catching of footballs, all I ask it that you would wire $10M.USD (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) to my personal representative, Drew Rosenhaus. Once funds are received I will show us at your training camp and provide you with my talent.

Please provide the utmost confidentiality regarding this correspondence, and be rest assured that this will be a most profitable transaction for both of us. I humbly. . .no, I eagerly await your response and look forward to your most timely reply.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Terrell Owens

Several NFL owners phoned the league office after receiving these unsolicited e-mails, and were assured that the league plans to take immediate action and will implement updated software designed to curb future correspondence from Owens.

"We have top IT people working right now to make sure this T.O. Virus does not actually harm any of your teams," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Nobody wants this horrible thing to infect your franchise."

Goodell went on to ask that the owners please don't click on any links from an Owens email address. Some common schemes of this virus are the following:

 

  • An African Prince named Mel Kiper wants to wire you undiscovered college standouts, one named Terrell Owens.
  • Buying Owens now can result in your playoff chances growing an astounding 3-5 inches in only two weeks.
  • You can get the free services of a hall of fame receiver just for filling out a short survey(that receiver then turns out to be Terrell Owens).
SportsComedian.com
Posted on: July 22, 2010 8:01 am
 

NFL Investigates Bush Allegedly Taking Money Now

In the wake of the Heisman committee announcing they were exploring possibly revoking Reggie Bush's 2005 Heisman trophy, comes more bad news for the runningback. The NFL has said that it too will investigate strong evidence that he is currently being given heaps money by a group known as the "New Orleans Saints", as well as several major corporations for sponsorships.

"We are looking seriously at the evidence here that Bush is currently getting $15 million a year from the Saints and $5 million more from advertisers," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell in a press conference today. "Wow, that is an awful lot of money for a back who average less than 500 yards a season and gets injured all the time. I have seen him pitching me Subway more on Sundays than I see him involved in plays on the field."

Goodell says that while nothing is in the rules against the athletes receiving money once they go pro, this is nonetheless troubling. The NFL bylaws clearly state that crappy players are supposed to get crappy money. Unless, of course, they are gross mistakes like a Ryan Leaf or Jamarcus Russell, in which case they are simply cut and laughed out of football.

Other NFL players such as Aaron Rodgers have long been trying to help sell five dollar footlongs, but have been rejected. This despite seriously better careers. Subway's response was that they want to set realistic expectations for people at home, not everyone can be a starting quarterback for a historic franchise, and eating a sub won't get you there. But maybe a 3rd string runningback with a penchant for injuries is possible, if you head into a Subway today.

Goodell says they are considering revoking one of the awards he received in the NFL, just as soon as they figure out what awards he has won. Apparently interns have been searching through the archives attempting to find some accolade, any accolade at all, so that they could revoke it. They concluded that Bush does have a 2nd place ribbon from the week 11 Player Of The Week award in 2007. They will consider taking that away, but it's believed he just threw it in the trash upon receiving it.

He also was the only football player nominated for the Male Athlete Of The Year in the BET Awards the last three years, but BET says they are not taking those honors away.

"He was the only sensible choice in football for those years," said a BET spokesman. "He almost had 500 yards a couple times in there, and nearly double digit touchdowns! Those are huge numbers! Plus it's not like there are many black football players out there we have to choose from. It's a very select pool! Obviously he was the best black player the last three years, money or not!"

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
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