Tag:bay
Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:09 am
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Vikings Sign Favre To The Usual .4 Year Contract

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.

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Posted on: July 29, 2010 7:54 am
 

Justin Bieber Throws First Pitch And Then No-No

It's been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday's events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber's pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

"He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can't take a pitcher out when he's got something going like that," said Baker after the game. "That first pitch was so unlike anything I've ever seen before. It couldn't even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher's head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing."

Pitching in street clothes, Bieber baffled the Milwaukee Brewers for 8 dazzling innings, who were likely so confused by the turn of events they couldn't concentrate on hitting the ball.

"Wow, my daughter isn't going to believe I was struck out by Justin 3 times in one game," said All-Star Prince Fielder. "I couldn't hit a home run off that kid, despite the fact the couple balls that he managed to get to the plate were right in my zone. My daughter wouldn't have spoken to me for a year!"

Bieber's agent was happy with the performance of his client, but furious at Baker's mismanagement.

"Obviously he should have been pulled after that first pitch," said the agent, Saul Washington. "Justin is supposed to be on a pitch count! We talked to Dusty beforehand and he said that count would be one, maybe two pitches. This kid has a bright future ahead of symbolic athletic honors before games. I want him to be able to sing a national anthem, toss a coin, or wave a flag at a NASCAR event. Now his whole career could be in jeopardy."

Bieber was backed up by some stellar defense behind him to pick up the no hitter, but it really served to highlight that indeed anyone can pitch a perfect game this year.

SportsComedian.com

Posted on: July 28, 2010 7:28 am
 

Baltimore Orioles Accept Assignment To Minors

Major League Baseball announced today that the Baltimore Orioles have agreed to an assignment to the AA Eastern League for the remainder of the 2010 season. The Orioles, who are currently in last place in the American League East Division and who lay claim to the worst record in Major League Baseball, will be replaced in the majors by their promising minor league affiliate, the Bowie Baysox. The Baysox, who made the AA playoffs as recently as 2008, are currently in second place in the Western Division and are in the midst of a tight battle with the Altoona Curve for the division title.

“I’m not going to lie” said Orioles interim manager Juan Samuel. “This is going to be a tough pill to swallow. As a team, you just don’t want to ever admit that you’re not the club you once were. This is a proud organization that has had its share of success. We’ve won World Series Championships and had great Hall of Fame Players like Jim Palmer and Brooks Robinson and Frank Robinson. If you ask me, things started going downhill for us about the time Cal Ripken, Jr. retired and that piece of crap Rafael Palmeiro started making erectile dysfunction commercials and lying to Congress.”

Samuel said the meeting with Bud Selig was strained at times, but ultimately the team understood the League’s position. “We’ve had our opportunities the last decade and we just haven’t performed. There comes a time in every team’s career when you have to admit that maybe you aren’t as marketable as you used to be, that maybe your uniforms look dated and your logo just isn’t very cool. When you’re winning that stuff doesn’t matter, but when you’re losing the little things add up.”

“We felt it was time to give one of our younger teams a chance” said Selig, “the Baysox have shown a lot of promise in the Eastern League this season and we feel at this time they could compete as well, if not better than the Orioles when it comes to playing real Major League teams like the Tampa Bay Rays, the New York Yankees and the Boston Red Sox. Sure they will be overmatched, but frankly so was Baltimore, and this can be a great learning experience for them.”

Selig went on to predict that the move could also work out well for the Orioles who will get to spend some time playing in a league more suited to their abilities and where they will actually have a legitimate shot to compete for a division championship. “They have a real chance of a winning record in the Eastern League,” said Selig “Granted they won’t be the favorites, not against teams like the Trenton Thunder and the New Hampshire Fisher Cats. But if they put in the work and prove they are capable of playing professional baseball at a high level again, then we will be more than happy to welcome them back to the American League East.”

The move is of course contingent on the team clearing waivers, but it’s believed no other league would dare pick up such an awful franchise. The NBA laughed at the thought of taking them off waivers, saying that they already had a Memphis Grizzlies franchise they are out of options on. The MLS said they might take a look at the Orioles, as even they are more popular than any team they currently have.

SportsComedian.com

 
 
 
 
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