Tag:New York Jets
Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.
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Posted on: September 20, 2010 10:48 am
Edited on: September 20, 2010 10:49 am

Unattractive ESPN Reporter Refutes Ines Sainz

It's been a crazy week, with the recent accusations of sexual harassment in the Jets locker room by Ines Sainz, the attractive sports reporter and former model from Mexico’s TV Azteca. Now Shelley Smith, one of ESPN’s most unattractive female reporters have come out in defense of the Jets and NFL players in general.

“I seriously question the veracity of Ms. Sainz’s claims of harassment," said Smith. In all my time as a reporter, I have never once been the recipient of any cat calls, uncomfortable stares or lewd comments while on the sidelines or in any NFL locker room."

Smith also noted that most of the players go out of their way to be very respectful and that they go out of their way to quickly dress or otherwise make an attempt to cover themselves when she enters the room.

“I cannot recall a single time when an NFL player has ever said anything sexually inappropriate to me or made any inappropriate advances towards me, even on occasions when I accidentally wear lingerie into the locker room or mistakenly text a player a photograph of one of my breasts.”

Tom Brady, the subject of frequent interview requests by Smith, confirmed her story. “I can honestly say I have never seen a player say anything inappropriate to her,” said Brady, who then made a gagging sound like he may have thrown up in his mouth. Brady went on to admit that in a turn of events, he has filed several harassment claims against Smith for among other things: asking if she can conduct interviews while sitting on Brady’s lap, telling Brady that he needs to speak clearly into her cleavage microphone, and for asking Brady when he would make “Little Tom” available for an exclusive.

According to league officials, these matters are still under investigation.

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Posted on: September 1, 2010 9:09 am

Vikings Sign Favre To The Usual .4 Year Contract

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.

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Posted on: May 12, 2009 9:46 am

Media Still Has Interest In Signing Favre

Sports media outlets were abuzz last week at the prospect of a meeting between Brett Favre and high ranking Vikings officials. But, the meeting never happened, as Favre stayed home in Mississippi, and the future hall of fame QB remained unsigned. However, the media are still hopeful they have a chance at signing Brett for an offseason of headlines and speculation.

"We've had some conversations with him, and it sounds like he isn't ready to just retire from sports talk radio and the lead story on Sportscenter just yet," said anchor Mike Greenberg. "Every time he turns on the TV, and we aren't talking about Favre unretiring, he gets that itch to come on back. We believe we'll still be able to sign him for an entire offseason of speculation and debate."

Radio hosts say Favre's headlines will be able to start right away once he gives them the word. They say they have nothing else to talk about right now, as they aren't about to devote entire shows to NBA playoff talk. Any taste of the NFL and they'll take it. Favre has yet to make a decision, but he says he feels he has several more months of quality headlines left in him. There are still 29 teams he hasn't considered unretiring to yet.

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Posted on: February 10, 2009 9:44 am

Favre Not Sure If Body Can Take Another Offseason

Brett Favre held his first press conference of the offseason today, this time from his home in Mississippi, to announce that he had not yet decided if he will spend the entire offseason deciding if he will retire again. The last few years have seen Favre wrestle with the question of retirement for many months after the end of each season.

He has held press conferences, conducted exclusive interviews with Greta Van Sustren, sat out mini camps, rode horseback exclusively with Greta Van Sustren, insulted players for telling him he's bad for the team, and even invited Greta Van Sustren into his bedroom for a threesome, because he says she is "kind of hot, in that giant teeth, really old lady kind of way".

But this season Favre says he is not sure if he can handle the grueling offseason schedule.

"You get to a certain point in your career, where you just don't know if your body is going to let you keep on going," said Favre to the media. "I got out of bed this morning, and my back just ached thinking about this tough press conference I was going to have to come do. I don't know if I can handle doing these every week, going in for sitdown interviews all the time, I'm finally starting to feel my age catching up with me. I don't know if I can do this again. But, I'm going to discuss it with my family, and we'll make a decision soon on whether I'm going to think about making a a retirement decision soon."

Favre started out last offseason on a high note, with a wonderful few weeks of making everyone in the media and his team wait for his decision through long drawn out announcements. Then he had the press conference of his career, crying and breaking down to announce his retirement. But towards the end of the offseason he was out of gas, and limped along with no headlines for quite some time. But then, in true gunslinger fashion, he stirred up a fight about returning from that retirement with the Packers. He finished strong by changing teams, but it was obvious this wasn't the same old Favre.

"We got Favre last year for one reason, and one reason only," said Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum. "And that's for his offseason drama. If he can't deliver that signature Favre bullshit this summer, maybe it's best if he steps away from the game. If he can't keep everyone at home and in the media on the edge of their seat, if he can't tie up a roster spot and cap space, then we don't want him on the New York Jets. Hopefully we can see him string us all along for one more glorious offseason."

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Posted on: January 13, 2009 9:34 am
Edited on: January 13, 2009 10:15 am

Al Davis Hires/Fires Former Boston College Coach

First it was the Browns firing of Coach Romeo Crennel, then Rod Marinelli and the Lions parted ways. Shortly thereafter both Eric Mangini and Mike Shanahan were shown the door by their respective teams. And just when you thought the NFL coaching carousel couldn’t spin any faster, along comes the Raiders and Al Davis to spice things up again.

Apparently feeling left out of the hiring and firing news of late, Davis knew he needed to act.

“I was concerned that the Raiders were starting to lose their status as the team most likely to fire a head coach,” said Davis, speaking at his weekly press conference through a self-made paper megaphone. “As President of the Raiders, I am charged with keeping our team at the top of the list of worst places for a head to coach to land, and I hadn’t made a move since I fired that smart-mouth little punk Wade Griffin back on September 30, 1998.” (Here the press conference was briefly interrupted as Davis’ handlers rushed to the podium and reminded him that the smart-mouth little punk he fired was actually named Lane Kiffin and that the year was actually 2008.)

After firing his handlers for correcting him in public, Davis resumed the press conference by stating that contrary to reports by that “professional liar, amateur rodeo clown and noted part-time male escort” Chris Mortensen, the Raiders were not leaning towards hiring current interim coach Tom Cable as a permanent solution to their coaching vacancy. Further, Davis denied any interest in hiring New York Giants OC Kevin Gilbride because, according to Davis “he seemed like a guy who might do well enough to stay here for a while.”

Instead, Davis announced that just before the press conference, the Raiders had reached an agreement to hire former Boston College head coach “Jeb Jagorinski” as the next coach of the Silver and Black. “Jeb came highly recommended to me as someone who understands what its like to work for a boss who will fire you on a moments notice. As a young, smart, successful and ambitious coach, he is the perfect choice to be the next former head coach of the Raiders. I can tell you that I have already met with Coach Jargoreeski this morning in his office, and I didn’t like the way he carried himself. He acted like he owned the place and even had the audacity to put pictures of his own family in there.”

Following his statement, Davis introduced Coach Jagodzinski as the Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders, and then proceeded to fire him “with cause” as he made his way to the podium. Showing signs of emotion, Jagodzinski noted that he was disappointed, but still appreciative of the opportunity to be a head coach in the NFL. He noted his experiences of “the plane ride out to Oakland” and “bumping into Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell in the hallway” as memories he would take with him of his time with the team. As for the again vacant head coach position in Oakland, the search continues.

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Posted on: January 3, 2009 9:35 am
Edited on: January 3, 2009 9:52 am

Brett Farve Refutes Claims By Anonymous

ESPN ran a story yesterday saying that an Anonymous Jets player said that Brett Favre was distant from the rest of the team and spent most of his time in a private office alone. Anonymous went on to say that Favre should have been benched during his 3 interception performance in week 16, and the team can't be all about one person. The news goes to further illustrate just how fast things went from good to sour in New York after the team started the year 8-3.

But Favre is not taking the news lying down, and in a press conference today disputed these allegations, saying that Anonymous was actually the one who was distant from the team, and that people barely even knew who he was.

"I don't even remember playing with this guy," said Favre. "I remember Laveranues Coles, Thomas Jones, but I can't remember Anonymous even showing up for team meetings. If you want to look at someone to blame for our failures down the stretch, you can look right to him. I threw 20 incompletions in that last game, but at least 15 of those were to Anonymous, and he didn't come down with a single one. It's like he wasn't even out there on the field."

Indeed, other players are struggling to remember their teammate at all. "Anonymous...It's not ringing a bell," said Nick Mangold. "Is he french or something?"

Analysts are jumping all over the latest comments from Anonymous. "This guy is just a locker room cancer," said ESPN's Trey Wingo. "People really get on Terrell Owens and Randy Moss for things they say after tough losses, but it's actually Anonymous who is the worst. Every time you hear really damaging stuff, it's from this guy. At least they contribute on the field. Anonymous has never even made a pro bowl. The Jets need to cut ties with him during the offseason and move on."

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Posted on: December 16, 2008 9:47 am
Edited on: December 16, 2008 9:54 am

Day Too Late NFL Predictions

I forgot to post this before the games ran Sunday, but since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:
  • There is no way Oakland's dastardly plan of assassinating Matt Cassel's father in order to finally get a win can come back to haunt them...
  • Word has it that Tarvaris Jackson made a magical Christmas wish to be a real quarterback, just for one day.
  • The Houston Texans may be eliminated from playoff contention at 6-7, but in their game against the Tennessee Titans they can continue to play spoiler as they have in recent weeks...to their own draft order position.
  • The best part of the Sunday Night Football opening video has to be the segment where Tony Romo, Jason Witten, and Terrell Owens are together in a bar eating popcorn, smiling away. This was obviously shot at the beginning at the season, when the three of them could actually get along well enough to go out to bars together...and then go home and have some good old sex together.
  • Watch out Ravens, word has it the Sony HD instant replay cameras are big Steelers fans.
  • A moment of silence is being held at each NFL stadium today before their games, so that everyone in attendance can honor the brave men and women in the Seattle and St. Louis media markets, who have to sit through their awful 2-11 versus 2-11 matchup.
  • The BCS voters are impressed with the Indianapolis Colts recent winning streak, but they aren't going to be happy that they scheduled a lowly Division II program, the Detroit Lions, in the midst of their playoff run.
  • You have to love the Levi's ads where guys do crazy backflips and jumps off of things into a pair of jeans. I think that ABC made the wrong choice in making a TV show out of the Geico caveman commercials instead of these. Just imagine, cop-lawyer-doctors who have the special ability of jumping into pants at any time...I'd watch that.
  • San Diego fans have been very vocal about how disappointing their Chargers have been this season. Word has it out of Kansas City, the Chiefs are getting tired of all this talk and plan on showing the residents of SD what disappointing really is.
  • Some of the Buffalo receivers are very angry that J.P. Losman is very good friends with the Jets defense. He even has some special plays he has been working on with them where he throws them the ball, we'll see if these make it into the game.
  • The Toyotathon of Toyotathons has been a much more successful promotion than last month's Toyotathon of Shitty Car Deals.
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