Posted on: September 13, 2010 9:38 am

Aikman And Buck Celebrate 120 Years Of Football

by Brett Lay

Troy Aikman and Joe Buck just surpassed John Madden and Pat “I shot Billy the Kid” Summerall as the Fox network’s longest-tenured broadcasting team.

“I can remember when we used to use telegraphs for play by plays,” stated Troy Aikman, half of the broadcast duo for Fox Sports, before slamming the empty shot glass on the table. “And I can’t tell you how often Joe would be in a shootout in whatever local saloon we were at, and then just come dragging in right before broadcast, bleeding profusely but soundly drunk.”

Buck added, “It was much harder before all the high def cameras and what not. You try to figure out which team is which when everything around is in Sepia tone.”

Aikman reminisces “I remember when Joe had to run onto the field and attempt to paint yellow lines where the first down markers would go by hand. And he had to get it done before each snap of the ball, or he would be trampled to death by the horses. People nowadays don’t even know how hard it used to be.”

(Editor’s note: In the late 1800’s, football was originally played on horseback, much like polo. However in the early 1900’s, a leather ball replaced the customary 6-shooter that most teams just used to kill each other.)

“I remember when it was sensible violence. No concussions back then,” joked Aikman. “Just good old-fashioned headshots. Also, things just seemed to go in slow motion more often, but I’m not sure why. It probably had to do with the cool Dobro and harmonica music that always played in the background.”

Things were not always so rosy for the duo, though. “Back in prohibition, Aikman here ran a still back behind the old Jenkins’ barn. It’s little know that we were the first official supplier to the NFL for bootleg liquor,” Joe stated. “But then contracts got a little iffy, there were some conflicts of interest, and we almost lost the booth.” Troy added “But it worked out all right, the league just bought the rights to my still, and we moved right along, didn’t skip a beat.”

The future continues to look bright for Joe and Troy.

“We are in this for the long haul, and what a gig, right? Besides, since we live off the same cursed mummy powers that fuel Dick Clark’s immortality, we should be around until at least doomsday, and maybe even longer. I guess we’ll see how it goes when our contract is up for renewal in 2074.”

Posted on: December 9, 2008 9:39 am
Edited on: December 9, 2008 10:30 am

Male Sideline Reporter Tired Of Girl's Club

Tony Siragusa, a male sideline reporter for FOX, has filed a lawsuit alledging a hostile work environment for what he calls a "Hot Girl's Club" mentality among his co-workers. He says that frequently he was held back from promotions because of his gender. Despite having experience actually playing in the NFL, he says that he can not get featured on the big Sunday games, which often go to people like Erin Andrews or Suzy Kolber.

"I have been pressured more than once to consider breast enhancement by FOX executives," said Siragusa. "They told me that would help me immensely to move up the sideline reporting ladder. They also recommended I drop a few pounds, and maybe think about leaking a sex tape to the press. This just seems wrong. All my co-workers now exclude me from conversations because I don't want to talk about the riggors of pregnancy and childbirth and I don't want to listen to them vent about how inconsiderate their husbands are. It's just a hostile environment in every sense."

ESPN's Linda Cohn has spoken out on Siragusa's accusations, saying that the sidelines and locker room are no place for men. "This is a woman's domain," said Cohn. "There are only so many times networks can cut to footage of cheerleaders during intros and fades to commercial breaks. In between that time female sideline reporters need to be there to give directors another option for quick T & A. I'm sure Siragusa is a fine sideline reporter. But he's not going to be able to get the athletes to really open up what they though about their first half performance without the cleavage revealing lowcut top or soft hands of a woman. That's just a fact."

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