|LeBron James likes his steak cut and dry. Can he really be the alpha-dog? (Getty Images)|
By Matt Moore
On Tuesday, the blog Cleveland Frowns posted an interview with a server at XO, a Cleveland steakhouse regarding LeBron James. It described his eating behaviors, including the infamous stories about his tipping habits, among other things. There's the usual stuff about James acting like one of the most pampered people on earth, because, well, he's a guy who has "Chosen One" on his back, makes $16 million a year and calls himself King. You kind of have to prepare yourself for some stuff.
But this? I was not prepared for this (emphasis mine):
(S)he also told us that LeBron liked to drink apple martinis, which comes as no surprise because apple martinis are delicious, and if you had a job where you could take a four-hour nap every day to sleep off the sugar hangover, you would drink them, too. Relatedly, LeBron would ask his servers to have his steak (well done) already cut up for him, which corroborates a report by a (former?) server at Johnny’s who once told Grzegorek that LeBron would order his spaghetti cut up as well, and also of course enhances the credibility of our source.via “LeBron liked me because I didn’t put up with his crap” — Exclusive Interview with Former XO Steakhouse Server Who Frequently Waited on the NBA Superstar.
Look, I can forgive the appletinis (easy on the tini). I'm not expecting everyone to drink whiskey, scotch or gin (I suppose technically you could make a gin appletini, but I don't consider that real gin). It's a little ridiculous, but the man dunks on Kevin Garnett, I'm willing to let that slide.
Cut up for him?
I'm sorry, that's where I draw the line.
And listen, a bunch of stats-loving geeks are going to try and talk to you about food poisoning statistics and eating efficiency. But anyone who's ever actually eaten a steak at the professional level knows that's all nonsense. Real steak-eaters don't think of things like that. And they know that if you're ordering anything above medium-rare, you're essentially saying "please burn all the flavor out of this $35 piece of meat."
Having it cut up for you? What are you, Carlos Boozer? You worried about injury? Pick up your knife and cut your own steak like a man. The last time someone cut up a steak for me, I was six, and it was my mother. Part of the joy of eating a finely cooked steak is slicing into that meat. You know what having someone else do it is? It's the steak version of passing to someone else in the clutch with the clock running down. You're just trying to avoid the moment. I can understand if it's steak frites on the menu. That's like having Wade wide open under the basket screaming for the ball. But otherwise, he's just shrinking from the moment again.
See, this is why LeBron James can never win a championship.
Sure, he can appreciate fine foods and have great cakes delivered for his birthday parties. But when it's clutch time, when it's steak time, he's telling the chef to murder its taste and then having it cut up for him . Michael Jordan never had a steak cut up for him. Kobe probably kills and butchers his own cow. Derrick Rose may accidentally stab the waiter, his date, and the table sixteen times, but by God, he cuts his own and does it with style!This is what separates LeBron from everyone else. Just another example of why he'll never live up to the hype.
(If for some reason you cannot read through the blinding absurdity of this post, it is not meant to be serious. LeBron can eat his steak however he wants. )
(But for real, LeBron, you need to order that sucker medium-rare.)